Another lonely traveller through the blue nowhere…

Afternoon all, welcome back if you’ve been here before, and just welcome if you haven’t.

Today I’m going to produce a list of words to get myself noticed on the Google search engine, in a purely self-interested attempt to increase the traffic through my blog as an experiment to see how many people find my page through searching for those words on Google. And here’s the list:

Porn teen creampie vaginal anal internal dildo scat milf double tits breasts knockers pussy.

 This should be interesting if nothing else

As I was driving to work today, I observed a curious thing. There was a large group of teenagers at a bus-stop, waiting for their bus to school (I assume), and divided clealy into two groups:

 Group 1, Chavs:

For Americans and other aliens to the UK, “Chav” is the description given to  a person of working-class, usually young, who wears cheap gold jewellery (and lots of it), fake designer clothes (Hackett or Burberry baseball caps), tracksuits (Addidas and Kappa are both popular Chav brands), and pristine white trainers (Nike or other top-name brand). There tends to be an assumption that all Chavs a) live off of the welfare state, b) pump out babies from the age of 14 onwards in order to get more money from the welfare state, c) will never hold down or job or pay taxes, and d) will rob you blind given half a chance.

 Group 2, Goth-Emo Rock-Victims:

AKA EmoGoth-kids. This is pretty much universal to all Westernised countries. I don’t think a detailed description is necessary, but if I were to include one it would make refference to pink hair-dye, black lipstick, thick mascara and black nail-varnish. And that’s just the boys. The universal constant in this group, however, is the SlipKnot hoody.

The Point Of This Post:

The EmoGoth-kids were very clearly looking down their noses at the Chav kids. This is a phenomenon I have encountered before. EmoGoths tend towards arrogance towards anybody who they see as part of a “mainstream” group.

The pink hair-dye, thick mascarra and black lippy/nail varnish is worn in an attempt to be dark, interesting and “different”, but unfortunately just makes all concerned look pretentious, immature and the same as every other EmoGoth-kid. I can say all of this because I actually listen to good rock music, and can confirm that SlipKnot are shit. Good stage show, though.

Anyway, I digress. I guess I really just want to record that I found it very funny to see a group of people who are all clearly very proud of being individuals and trying very hard to look different to everybody else, with the net effect of looking exactly the same as all of their friends. It amused me. What amused me more was the obvious contempt which they were showing towards a group of people who also dressed the same as all of their friends, because they all dressed the same as all of their friends.

I will remember this next time I have to define irony. Though I may condense it a little.

Any EmoGoth reading this who takes offence, I have these words of advice for you:

Grow up and just be yourself.

Stop taking yourself so seriously.

Every time you buy SlipKnot branded clothing you are contributing to a large multinational corporation, in the same way as you would by buying Nike, Addidas or Kappa.

Any Chav reading this who takes offence, I have these words for you:

Learn how contraceptives work, then use them.

If you want more money, get a job and work hard at it.

The jewellery you buy at Argos uses industrial-grade diamonds, and you can buy better quality for less if you shop around.

As discussed in an earlier post (”Farts and grind”), Brain Waders are the equivalent of thigh-length Wellington-boots for your brain, used to safely traverse areas where Intellectual Turd might be found, such as any given office on any given Monday morning.

 I’ve made another important discovery about this.

Those of us who are fortunate enough to be on Flexible Working Hours (Flexi-time, or more commonly just Flexi) will probably all be familliar with the concept of arriving at work in the wee small hours of a Friday morning in order that they might bunk off early and extend the usefull sunbathing/drinking/playing PlanetSide time of their weekend.

During those wee small hours, while your head is filled with cotton-wool, your eyes are gritty and your mouth is still minty from toothpaste, there is a new and dangerous entity at large in the office - “Pseudo-Intellectual Meta-Turd“.

 We have discussed the origins of Intellectual Turd earlier (see “Farts and grind”), so I won’t revisit it again, but the origins of Pseudo-Intellectual Meta-Turd are unkown.

It seems that the office gradually fills up with it during the hours of darkness, then it slowly evaporates (or possibly dries out and crumbles to dust) as the Sun begins to shine.

Current theory from the World’s foremost (and indeed only) expert (me) on the Pseudo-Intellectual Meta-Turd Phenomenon holds that it condenses from Freon released from the Air-Conditioning systems of office buildings overnight.

 The only viable protection from the horror of Pseudo-Intellectual Meta-Turd comes in the liquid form of all good, sturdy pairs of Brain Waders: Caffeine. Caffeine and lots of it. My own personal brand of Brain Waders are made of FairTrade Grande Late, and have so far proved reliable and (barring the occasional slip and fall) largely proof against Intellectual Turd leakage.

 I recommend all workers who go to their offices early of a Friday to afford their brains similar protection. Both lobes, and zip them up tight! You only get one brain: protect it with Brain Waders.

I was asked yesterday whether or not I would use my shiny new blog as a proper journal of the events of my life, or if I would be continuing to post slightly odd posts about my strange thoughts and imaginings.

The answer is, I don’t really know!

I rather enjoy writing pieces which reflect my way of thinking (see “Farts and grind” below), because I like peoples’ reactions to them; I’ve found that the ways in which my mind works are often quite alien to the majority of other people, and so they read my thoughts with various degrees of shock, humour and bewilderment.

One of my colleagues described me as “sick and wrong” after reading “Farts and grinds” (below), whilst another shook their head in disbelief and asked “How does your mind come up with this stuff?”

Now, I personally thought that the blog-entry in question was quite amusing, because I thought it was a reflection of reality expressed in a slightly skewed way, and also because it’s a fairly accurate log of my thoughts from yesterday morning.

I also I thought that the reactions of my colleagues to it were as funny as hell.

I suspect I’ll continue to blog my thoughts, feelings and imaginings as an expression of my state of mind, rather than blogging pure, base reality - which I have to say that anybody reading would probably have found mind-numbingly dull, and which I would have had no fun writing at all… (He typed, whilst sitting at his desk during his lunch hour. He contemplated getting a glass of water before washing-up his plate from lunch… Etc. etc. etc…. See? Boring as hell. I have to live it, but I see no reason to record it for posterity or to expect anybody to read it).

I have now expanded upon a phrase that a friend once taught me, and coined 2 entirely new phrases because of it. Evolution is a wonderful thing.

The original phrase was “Mind Fart“; i.e. “Having a Mind Fart“, defined as one of those times when, instead of performing it’s normal role (thinking), your brain just lets go a massive “TTTTHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRPPP!” and fills your skull with smelly gasses.

At work today I was analysing my own performance over the last several weeks, and I noticed that a pattern was emerging (Mondays are bad, but you knew that) in my accuracy levels over the course of any given week.

Because of this, I have deduced that Monday mornings are a direct cause of Phrase Number 2, which has evolved from “Mind Fart” into “Mental Flatulance“.

“Mental Flatulance” is defined as the cerebral equivalent of the “Eating beans around the camp-fire” scene from the film “Blazing Saddles”; i.e. not only does your brain let go a massive “TTTTHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRPPP!” and fill your skull with smelly gasses, but it follws it up with a lot more “TTTTHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRPPP!” and sometimes follows-through with (Phrase Number 3) an “Intellectual Turd“.

To further exaserbate the problem, on Monday mornings, “Mental Flatulance” is contagious, much like yawning - so that even if you come to work all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, it only takes ONE of your colleagues to “Mind Fart” for, pretty soon, the whole office to be knee-deep in “Intellectual Turd“.

The lesson in this is clear to me now: If you have to go to work on a Monday morning, wear a pair of “Brain Waders“.

… I was going to write a new site *blows dust from “HTML 4 for Dummies”*, and I probably will do so at some point, but this seemed like a pleasant outlet for my web-based ramblings in the mean time. I shall post various files which amuse me (and hence will probably deeply disturb most of you) on here as and when I find them, as well as keeping a (probably much less than accurate, far from complete) journal of my doings. Live long…. And poster.

Hello, good evening. How are you? Would you like to sit? A drink? Perhaps a snack? Welcome. You are now looking through a window, through which you can see a small portion of my World. Terrible use of repetition there, I do apologise. Can you see through the window, though? Do you see the Turtle of enormous girth? Upon it’s shell it carries the Earth!There are many wonderful and strange things to be seen here; more than can be counted on a lazy Sunday afternoon. I particularly recommend visiting The Hall Of Memories. There is humour to be had, as well as lessons to be learned. Not in the mood? Perhaps the Room of Reflection, then, for a more thoughtful sojourn into the darkest, most frigthening realms of my soul. Who knows what evil lies in the heart of men? You will, if you dare to look into mine…